


Blood and Ashes

by knightinpinkunderwear



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Aangst, Angst, Azula is not as evil as in the show, Blood, Blood and Violence, Burns, Child Abuse, Child Soldiers, Exile, Fire, Five Stages of Grief, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Pain, Past Child Abuse, Violence, Zuko Angst, children should not go through this, she snaps out of it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-03-24 12:47:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13811484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightinpinkunderwear/pseuds/knightinpinkunderwear
Summary: "Brother, please don't leave me" Zuko tried to reach out, he tried to hang on. But he was only human and his struggles did nothing.___________________________Major character death. Some character personality changes (mainly to Azula)





	1. Chapter 1

 

Zuko didn't know it would be his father, stepping out to duel. He couldn't hear his father's words, the sounds were nonsensical garbled noises that held no meaning. But the disappointment and cold fury that lay underneath them, that he could hear. Pure terror had swallowed him whole the second he'd seen his father's face. There was nothing to stop the Firelord's rage now.

"Father please, forgive me" The boy half sobbed and half begged, his voice cracking and his eyes felt as if his woes had alighted into biting little fire spirits. The floor was blurred and he couldn't stop shaking. Ozai said something else. Zuko looked up, just in time for him to get struck in the face with fire. A tortured scream escaped the thirteen-year-old boy as he fell back, the force of the blast shoving him like a rag doll. His back hit the smooth and unforgiving tile floor. The impact would probably leave bruises. But that wasn't important. The only thing on the young prince's mind was his burning face. He was never one that cared about pretty faces, as they were often covering cruel monsters in his experience. He didn't really care all that much about his appearance. He wasn't worried about how he would look after. He was writhing in agony. It  _hurt_. Pain, the world didn't even begin to fathom how awful it truly was. The stench of burning flesh was inescapable, the heat was absolutely unbearable, and the smoke coiled like venomous vipers, diving into his lungs. The flames attacked his hair and scalp before it was forced down, leaving the burned heap that was a boy exposed for the world to see. Now that the fire was gone the blood rushed out, the Prince still trying to gasp for air while his esophagus and lungs filled with his own boiling blood. He had only one eye, too fogged up by the trauma to really see. It was a huge kaleidoscope of blurring colours. He couldn't make out any voices through the roaring in his ears. He couldn't feel the hands grabbing at him. But he could feel the cold, the slow drain of his senses falling away. Then a voice cut through the thick veil, a trembling muffled whisper;

"Brother, please don't leave me" Zuko tried to reach out, he tried to hang on. But he was only human and his struggles did nothing. Death took the boy, carrying his spirit off to its new home. The Prince opened his eyes. There was no pain, he felt fine. Light even, as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Around him was a beautiful world, trees of every shape and size with leaves of so many colours. And a young man sitting, not facing him. Zuko knew him, an ache struck his heart. He knew that man. The boy walked, cautious and quiet. As if snapping a twig would make the man disappear.

"Lu Ten?" Zuko dared to whisper, as every memory came flooding back. He was in the spirit world. He was dead.

 

* * *

 

Azula usually enjoyed her brother's suffering. He was weak, pathetic. A smile had been firmly glued to her face until after the fire blast. Zuko didn't get up. The smile slipped off, and with it the mold. The mold that made her Ozai's perfect little heartless soldier. Zuko was her brother. Her big brother. He was there to protect her from the nightmares and what lurked in dark corners. He boasted about how his little sister was going to be the most talented firebender the world has ever seen. He looked out for her and she pushed him away. The eleven-year-old bolted out of her seat and ran down into the ring.

"He's my brother! He's your son! How could you!?!" She screamed at the monster she called father. The only things that existed to her anymore were herself, Zuko, and that heartless monster. She gazed frantically down at the crumpled bloody heap that was her brother. There was too much blood, the burn was too deep, too damaging. He wouldn't make it. As a very practical and logical girl she knew that. But she wasn't willing to accept that, her mother was gone, along with her cousin, but she couldn't lose her brother. She couldn't lose Zuko. She crouched down trying to lift his head. The tears welled up in her eyes. "Brother, please don't leave me," she whispered, the salty tears growing fat. Each heaving and shaking breath grew shorter. Then they stopped. Panic grabbed ahold of the eleven year old. She shook him. She felt as if she were three years old again, pulling at her brother sleeve and begging him to keep the monsters away. He couldn't leave her. "No! No brother, please!" She could feel it, his life leaving. Greif joined the ranks with rage. With tears marching down her face like soldiers of sorrow she stood up. She whirled around to face her father, her corrosive gaze boring through the air. Her jaw clenched fiercely. The air around her was hot and sizzling with energy. She shot two fireballs, straight to the floor. They were blue, the flames were gorgeous to any on-looker but they were also hotter, more dense, and more powerful. Blue for her sorrow, for her cold-blooded fury. Azula noticed uncle, his face aged with many more years than he had experienced, his eyes held with more weariness than they should have. He had lost his son three years ago and he now had lost the boy who became like another son to him. From the hands of his own younger brother no less. 

"Azula,-" his words were white noise. She hurled blue flame over her shoulder, aiming to kill. That monster wasn't a father, he wasn't a suitable lord, not when he could murder his own eldest. Three years ago Azula thought it had only been a joke. To scare her frightful brother. She'd taunted on and on 'Dad's going to kill you!' and now that promise had born fruit and her brother was dead by her father's hand. Why had she said that? Why had she been too naive to understand how cold-hearted her father was? Why had she let him trick her into being his cruel little soldier for so long? She didn't know. 

Princess Azula was exiled for her treason. Attacking her Firelord in the midst of so many loyal nobles. The girl became coldhearted towards anyone who paid loyalty to the Firelord. She left with the promise to avenge her brother, promising to leave only blood and ashes of all the people who had watched and done nothing. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The avatar returns

Azula adapted to life as an exile in a less than graceful manner.

She was an angry being. Sometimes it seemed there was more rage in her blood than that of a scorned dragon, or even Agni himself. 

Even at eleven, she was a force to be reckoned with, trained with deadly accuracy and a wielder of a cold temper. She knew how to manipulate and threaten people into doing her bidding, but she refused to. She refused to be anything like the monster that killed her brother. To be anything like the monster that had also probably killed her mother. 

Even if mother had thought she was a monster. 

Now she knew the woman was right, as a child she'd been on the path to becoming the same monster her father was. The path that was halted by Zuko's death. 

Azula hated that she was sure she would have become a true monster had Zuko not...

Suddenly, she was both inexplicably relieved and saddened that she was alone in her cabin. Relieved for she did not want the crew to further doubt having a fourteen-year-old commandeer them. Saddened because she desperately wished for one of Uncle's hugs, or better yet, her mother's. 

It still hurt. So, so much. Her brother was gone. 

It cost his life to make her realize what a horrible monster she was becoming, what a horrible monster her father was. 

She knew that if he hadn't died nothing would have changed, she would have continued to be father's perfect soldier. 

And it _hurt._  Because that meant she really had been a monster. 

Mother was right. And it  _hurt._ So, so much. 

She hated it, but it was the truth. She had to watch her brother die to realize that she loved him, to realize how important he was. Now she was older than he ever got to be. A year older.

 

The first year after his death had been horrid. She had been so angry and guilty, still was. The first spring and autumn equinoxes without Zuko were filled with tears on her part. Uncle had been a patient blessing from the spirits through it, soothing her, insisting it was not her fault. Urging her to believe that Zuko and Lu Ten were probably celebrating the equinox too, somewhere in the spirit world.  It helped. A little bit, but the little things made so much of a difference. Imagining Zuko and Lu Ten playing games, talking, and just being close family helped. The image of Zuko pouring over a pai sho board, just trying to figure out how to make a move that didn't doom his game with Lu Ten smiling on was so comforting, silly, sweet. Thinking of them as happy in the spirit world made it easier, if only a little. 

 

Her thirteenth birthday had been bad. To understate the obvious. She had wanted to ignore the day, pretend that she was no older than twelve for the rest of her life if she had to. She was not ready to be his age. He was her big brother, there was no way that it would ever be fair for her to be the same age. Never. But Captian Jee and Uncle had organized a small party amongst the crew. When it came time for supper she had strolled into the eating quarters to find every member of the crew, they all wished her a happy birthday as she opened the door. And she cried. Just stood there, lip trembling as the tears she'd been holding in all day finally fell. She just stood there, looking at the cake that no doubt was filled with the berries cook had insisted on buying on the last docking. She just stood there as the tears fell, and they kept coming. And her throat hurt, there was so much hurt, crawling up her throat and choking her there. She wasn't ready to be thirteen. Not yet. She wasn't ready to be as old as her brother, her big brother. He was gone. And he was no longer her older brother. He was dead. Her dear, dead brother, now they were the same age. And she couldn't take it back. How she wanted to rewind time, stay young forever. Never grow up... never outgrow her brother. 

But the spirits did not answer her prayers. She was growing older, day by day. Now she was as old as he had been. Captain Jee had been the first to wrap her in a hug. And just like that, she remembered. She was a child. A hurt, scared, and lonely child. A child who missed her brother and mother terribly. A child that didn't want to be alone. A child that didn't want to grow up just yet. She cried and cried and cried. 

She cried for Zuko. She cried for Lu Ten. She cried for mother. She cried for herself. 

 

Her fourteenth birthday was both worse and better. Better because she understood that the crew did not pity her, instead they saw their children in her. They saw her, for the strategizer, brilliant fighter, and simply a girl. Worse because she was officially older than her brother ever got to be. She could never truly express how  _wrong_ that was. How much it hurt, how much it should not ever be true. How much she wished to see him again. His face was starting to grow foggy in her mind. She was terrified of losing it, the crooked awkwardness of his smile and the way his eyes shone with silent pride.  She wished more than anything that he was still among the living. No matter how nice the spirit world might be. She wanted to know he was somewhere on the planet with her. Not just in her heart and memories. 

Azula found that the last stage of grief was very misleading. It was not the acceptance that her brother was gone, but the acceptance that she would always miss him. That it would always hurt. That there would always be days when she thought of him and cried. That the fond memories could always transition into the all-consuming grief. Days that she would fear that some time (either soon or in the distant future) when she would not be able to remember his smile or his voice. 

It was one of those days. She had just been hit by the memory of Zuko's knife. Of how he had practiced it in secret. Thinking about how adept he could have become if still alive. 

The light had poured into the sky, a blue so bright it approached white. It was near blinding and could only mean one thing. 

"The avatar..."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I got inspired all of a sudden! Thank you all for the comments! I hope you enjoyed this installment.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this was probably painful to read. 
> 
> Please comment?


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